Friendship and Love

I've been feeling sick for the past three days, so I decided to curl up in bed to watch my new DVD that I got for Christmas. I've been waiting so long to finally see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. The book series is amazing and the first film was so good. I am pleased with this addition, as well, but didn't like how the story-lines were condensed and altered so much.

I was afraid my blogs were going to sound like some English essay, because that's not my intention. Please bare with me while I fight with this habit. I need to let go and get to the point.

When I am really drawn into a film, novel, or television show it makes me question the reality of it, along with the reality of my own life. In this story, the four girls are best friends. They have been like that since they were born. But, here I am. I have all but maybe two best friends, if that, whom I've met fairly recently in my life.

I did not grow up with any of the friends I have now. Most of them don't know what I've been through. I do not have a shoulder to cry on, someone to spend meaningful time with, nor someone I am forever bonded to, yet the girls in the movie have three others to share this with.

So, which is the true reality? Or is it different for everyone and I've just ended up with the shorter end of the stick? My intention is not to sit here and sulk, as I am not blaming anyone -- I know I, myself, play a huge part in this -- but it's hard to make sense of what I do and don't have.

Another theme that got me thinking along the same lines is love. Bridget, she was in love the first summer (and ends up with the guy in the novel), Carmen falls in love for the first time with a British actor, Tibby has a boyfriend that a girl would die for, and Lena is still madly in love with a guy back in Greece, while also seeing a model in the US.

And then there's me. No boyfriend, nothing. I do not know what love is. The things that I have felt before are nothing but petty and shameless perceptions. I do not know a thing or two about the typical relationship, and somehow always to manage to create a twisted situation, which is never ideal. It has never felt 'right' for me; it has never been easy.

Sure, I am a hopeless romantic and these types of story-line feeds into that. It makes me question reality, as well. Should I stick to my 'dreams' and never let down my expectations? Or make the best deal with whatever is in front of me? What I am wonder is, if there's truth to those girls' love lives, or would I just be naive and wasting my time believing that?

Give me something to believe in.

I'm going to come out and say it the first time: I'm going to cut the bullshit and get right to the point. I've already danced around too many tables in my life.

Five days ago (Dec. 22) was the two-year anniversary since I got kicked out of the residential treatment centre/group home. Most of my friends now have no idea about this part of my life, and I must say that I completely forgot about it to (well, at least for that day). As the years pass, I think about it less and less, which I suppose is a good thing.

Christmas this year didn't feel like Christmas; the feelings fade as I age. My dysfunctional family never seems to disappoint with the awkward pretentious moments.

As of right now, I am stuck between two normal phases of maturity. I'm not in high school anymore (thank God), and I am waiting to be accepted into college for September. In a way, I am definitely thankful for this time of inertia. I want to make the best out of it so I can be the best I can in the future. I know the transition is not going to be easy and I know I need to work a lot on myself.

This new year should be interesting. I'm headed down to Orlando, FL on the 1st until the 16th. I get to see friends I wouldn't normally be able to see. I've been tentatively planning trips to shows (Bamboozle, Warped Tour, etc.), along with more vacations (Orlando, Mexico, etc.).

With this fun, I also have to work on some hard stuff. I am going to go back to therapy, so I have to give the therapist my psychiatrist recommends a call and set up a meeting. The whole thing just gets old -- it's a cycle I've lived for the past 7-8 years. My recovery is never-ending, I guess.

I have to work all this around my Mom's surgery. She's doing pretty well right now. Her chemo and radiation rounds were finished about a month ago and now all we have to do is wait. She has a bunch of tests on the day I return from FL and then we are going to see where to go from there. I'm really hoping she stays strong -- she keeps amazing me.

And so it begins...

Alright, so, I decided to create this blog to express the things going on inside of my head in a more literal and more public way than my LJ was. I know I have a million accounts (Twitter, FB, MySpace, Buzznet, LJ, IJ, etc.), but I don't want this one to be just another account. I want it to mean something. Pure, raw emotions and thoughts. This is me.