Therapy

"Give me therapy
I'm a walking travesty
But I'm smiling on everything
Therapy you were never a friend to me
and you can take back your misery"

Call Me Crazy...

...but I am done with the summer break. I just want to move to school right now and start my classes. My best friend thinks I'm crazy because she's enjoying the break (although she just started hers). I'm inpatient and I don't want to wait two more months when I've been out of school for two months already. I just need routine and stimulation again. I can't get a job, so I feel sort of useless right now. I know in the future, I would value time like this. It's just not doing anything for me now.

Mega-Quiz

Basics

What is your name? Samantha Lauren M.

Are you named after anyone? My middle name is from my grandfather's middle name.

Would you name a child of yours after you? Nope.

If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be? Samuel or Alex.

If you could switch names with a friend who would it be? Ciara.

Are there any mispronunciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly? Nope.

Would you drop your last name if you became famous? No. 

Your gender: Female.

Straight/Gay/Bi: Straight.

Single? Nope =)

Birthdate: April 5, 1990

Your age: 19

Age you act: Too old.

Age you wish you were: 24

Your height: 5'1

Eye color: Dark brown.

Happy with it? Sure.

Hair color: Dark brown.

Happy with it? Yup.

Lefty/righty/ambidextrous: Righty.

Your living arrangement: Home until school in September.

Your family: Mom and big sister. 

Have any pets? Yes, a cat. 

What's your job? Unemployed/Student .

Piercings? Seven. Three in each ear and a labret.

Tattoos? Nope.

Obsessions/Addictions? Music, boys, concerts.

Do you speak another language? Unfortunately not.

Do you have a favorite quote? Nope.

Do you live in the moment? I need to start.

Do you consider yourself tolerant of others? Yes.

Do you have any secrets? Um, not anything worth your time.

Do you hate yourself? I used to, but not anymore. 

Do you like your handwriting? I hate it. 

Do you have any bad habits? Yup

What is the compliment you get from most people? "You're smart." 

If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called? Creative Destruction 

Can you sing? I wish 

Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool? Maybe once or twice. 

Are you a loner? Definitely. 

What are your #1 priorities in life? To love life. 

If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Possibly. 

Are you a daredevil? No. 

Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself? Probably.

Are you passive or aggressive? Passive. 

Do you have a journal? This is my journal. 

What is your greatest strength and weakness? Perseverance and insecurity. 

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I don't believe in speculating about these things. 

Do you think you are emotionally strong? I have to be. 

Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life? Most likely. 

Do you think life has been good so far? It will become great. 

What do you like the most about your body? My long torso

And least? Hair in places I don't want it. 

Do you think you are good looking? Sure. 

Are you confident? Not outwardly. 

What is the fictional character you are most like? I am my own fictional character.

Are you perceived wrongly? Usually. 

Do You...

Smoke? No. 

Read the newspaper? I should. 

Pray? Only for mercy when I'm desperate. 

Go to church? No.

Talk to strangers who IM you? No. 

Sleep with stuffed animals? Yes and sometimes a real animal.

Take walks in the rain? Yes.

Talk to people even though you hate them? I don't believe in hating others.

Drive? Nope.

Like to drive fast? Please no.

Like your voice? No, I'm whiney

Have You Ever...

Been out of the country? A lot, but never enough. 

Eaten something that made other people sick? No. 

Been in love? Nope.

Gone skinny dipping? No.

Had a medical emergency? No.

Had surgery? Wisdom teeth.

Ran away from home? Yes.

Gotten beaten up? No. 

Beaten someone up? No.

Been picked on? Yes.  

Been on stage? Yes.

Slept outdoors? Yup.

Pulled an all nighter? Yes.

Gone one day without food? Yes.

Talked on the phone all night? No.  

Slept all day? Yes.

Made out with a stranger? No. 

Kissed the same sex? No.

Been betrayed? Yes.  

Had a dream that came true? Not yet.

Stolen anything? No. 

Been in a mosh-pit? Several times. 

Had a nervous breakdown? No.

Bungee jumped? No, but I want to.

Had a dream that kept coming back? Yes. 

Do You Believe In...

Life on other planets? Sure  

Miracles? Yes.

Astrology? Maybe. 

Magic? No.

God? Unsure.

Satan? No.

Santa? Yes.

Ghosts? Maybe.

Luck? No.

Love at first sight? Nope 

Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)? Yup.

Witches? Yes.  

Easter bunny? No.

Its possible to remain faithful forever? Yes. 

Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow? No.

Wishing on stars? No.

Deep Theological Questions 

Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell? No.

Do you think God has a gender? No.

Do you believe in organized religion? No.

Where do you think we go when we die? I'll let you know once I get there.

Friends 

Do you have any gay/lesbian friends? Yes .

Who is your best friend? Lindsay.

Newest? Rexx.

You've known the longest? Mellisha and Kyle.

Shyest? Kyle.

Funniest? Geoff. 

Sweetest? Rexx :P

Closest? Lindsay. 

Weirdest? No clue. 

Smartest? Lindsay. 

Ditziest? Mellisha.

Friends you miss being close to the most? Idk.

Last person you talked to online? Rexx.

Who do you talk to most online? Rexx, Lindsay, Spencer, Ming, and Dileni.

Who are you on the phone with most? No one.

Who do you trust most? Lindsay.

Who listens to your problems? Lindsay and Megan.

Who do you fight most with? No clue. 

Do you always feel understood? No.

Do you trust others easily? No.

Do your friends know you? Only the close ones.

Friend that lives farthest away: Ashley, Megan, and Laurel.  

Love and All That 

Do you consider love a mistake? No.

What do you find romantic? Thoughtfulness.

Turn-on? Hmm...

Turn-off? Bad hygiene.

First kiss? Good, but the relationship sucked.

If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel? Awkward.

Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them? Uh, yeah.

Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out? Since when is it socially unacceptable?

Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive? Probably.  

Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking? Certain ones. 

What is best about the opposite sex? Everything.

What is the worst thing about the opposite sex? Their confusions.  

Do you consider your significant other hot? Hell yeah!

Who Was the Last Person... 

You wanted to kill? No one.

That you laughed at? Rexx.

That laughed at you? Rexx.

That turned you on? Rexx haha.

You went shopping with? Mom. 

That broke your heart? No one.  

To disappoint you? Myseld. 

To ask you out? Rexx.

To make you cry? An ex-friend.

To brighten up your day? Rexx.

That you thought about? Rexx.

You saw a movie with? Rexx.

You talked to on the phone? Dr's office.  

You talked to through IM/ICQ? Rexx.

You saw? Mom.

Summer Love

I miss last July; I miss being in love. London was a rush of new experiences, although it did not last long enough. I wish those feelings lingered and those memories were more persevered. Traveling across an ocean, meeting new people, and falling in love - what more could a eighteen year old girl dream about?

It was beautiful; I've never felt anything like it. My heart raced so fast that it skipped a beat and got turned upside down. I didn't mind though, I didn't mind one bit. I somehow knew it was love, whether that is true today, I don't know. Last summer I didn't care, but I was afraid to lose everything.

Everything was perfect; that's what I miss the most. I used to dance like a little girl around dorm room with feelings of joys. I was truly blessed and lucky to have had that experience. I want to recapture last July and keep it fresh in my heart forever.

Retail Therapy

Hey, what's up everyone? I know I haven't updated in forever. Life is a crazy thing. I swear I've been staying out of trouble, not that I have to justify anything to you =P

Nothing warms a teenage girl's heart like a good day of shopping, right? Here's what I got last week:

BlackBerry Curve 8900: I am obsessed. I got $100 off the phone and I didn't have to pay to cancel my old phone contract. Send me your BB pins and phone email addresses.

Cowboy boots: As some of you may know, I've been wanting a pair for a bit now. They were 30% off and I used the money I saved from my phone. I loooove them!

Other than buying those two things, I've just been hanging out. I finally got over whatever upper-respiratory bug I had, and I've been unhappily getting through my online summer course - business writing. Life is chill for now, I guess. I've been spending a lot of time with family and looking for more delicious decaffeinated teas.

Ps. Do me a favour and add THIS BAND. I can assure you that at least one of the band members is a great guy that will amaze you.

I hope you all are doing well. Let me know =)

Revelation

Today I somehow woke up on the right side of the bed. I went to sleep feeling emotionally exhausted and really confused about a situation. I felt helpless, as I couldn't decide which direction to go in when dealing with a certain situation. But, I had a dream last night where someone important spoke to me and this has helped me make my decision. I now know what direction to go in.

I was unsure of whether or not I should pursue something. So far, I have gotten it within my grasp, but the whole thing hasn't gone the way I had planned. I still like the the idea; I really do. I just wasn't sure if putting all my hopes into it would be worth it right now; I wasn't sure if me putting effort into it right now would benefit me in the end.

In my dream, a certain someone was taunting me. They were talking to me as if we were in the future. They were advising me that I was acting too much, even to the point of obsession. They were not pleased by these actions and were actually appalled. Basically, the moral of the story is that if I were to keep pursing a certain situation, then it would turn out unfavourable in the end. This is what helped me make the decision to chill and have faith in the fact that right things will come with time.

I woke up feeling good and motivated. This is odd for me, especially since I went to bed so upset. Instead of going to an unproductive class tonight, I'm staying home and finally cleaning my room. This is something that I have been putting off since like September. Wish me luck!

Picture Story #1 - Dear You

Dear You, WHAT THE HELL!?!?!!!!

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I really don't know what to say...

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You make me so tired and confused...

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I don't know what the hell you're doing...

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And it scares me.

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THE END!!!

Patience Is A Virtue

I am an impatient person. If something is desirable to me, I usually want it in my hands right now. Sure, growing up I was a bratty child because of this. I was always trying to fulfill this need. As I've grown up and matured, this has turned me into a highly emotional stubborn and attached (to the desirable objects) young woman. I've dealt with this in multiple situations and in various ways. Right now I am faced with it again.

I cannot stop my mind ever since it got started. Gasoline has been thrown on this fire, which doesn't help my cause. I am not saying this situation is anything negative; it's quite positive and I am pleased with it over all. I've just never had to deal with myself in a real way under these circumstances.

I just feel so impulsive and I don't want to have to wait. I understand that things in life get in the way and I respect other people's decisions, as I know they are right. I would have judged their character if they chose otherwise. I guess I am still childish and want all the attention to be on me.

I don't know how to shake this and I need to keep my cool, while remaining honest. For once, my heart and head are align but still, my emotions continue to be out of whack. Perhaps it's my fear of losing everything. I have so much hope and my heart is still young. I want to reach out and jump into life, but it's hard to be told to wait by someone you want.

So, I'll try to clear my head and focus on other things. This is harder than I could have ever imagined. To my friends who I constantly vent to: I love you and would go crazy without you!

I Am Writing Again

Well, I wrote about a third of my persuasive essay last night. It's about Astrology/horoscopes. I am frustrated because it is not telling me what I want to hear about a certain new relationship of mine, so I am determined to prove that they are in fact false. It has so far been proven false by the relationship so far, so that makes me happy.

He went home for the weekend. I miss him and it sucks. If he ever reads this, then this is just embarrassing. My best friend is trying to help me cope by doing poetry exercises. Ie. "I don't know when I'll see you next. I bet you're great at sex". Yeah, we are cool people that have nothing better to do on a Saturday.

In other news - since you're not getting all the details about said person - I'm still doing the whole college thing. Humanities on Tuesday nights and Writing on Wednesday nights. It's past mid-term, but I don't know if the profs are posting grades.

However, I want to run away to Europe today. I miss London/Oxford/England and want to explore the rest of Europe. I wish I had more money and didn't have to pay for college. Ack. I need a vacations soon. I'm still not sure when I'm going to be heading back to Florida or for how long. Anytime from May to September.

Last weekend Heather, Ming, Mandie and I drove and saw Valencia in Chicago (Orland Park) and Detroit. We spent three nights in Mandie's bedroom and Ming pitched a tent. More road trips need to happen because they are epic. Pictures are on my FaceBook if you're interested. Videos: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Since I've been back from our adventure last weekend, I haven't felt the need to utilize most internet networking sites and forums. I don't know why this is, but I only read FaceBook. This whole shift gives me more time and energy to obsesses over other things. Yay me! (or not).

Well, I'm going to go say that I'm "cleaning" when I'm really dancing around listening to my iPod and chatting with my best friend. Happy Saturday!!

Ps. My 19th birthday is in two weeks tomorrow. Ahh! If I haven't already invited you to my party and you want to be invited, let me know.

Personal Essay

I am currently working on a personal essay for my college writing class. I haven't been asked to formally write anything like this since my summer of studying writing in England. This is refreshing. I seem to have dropped my love for writing for a little while, but I am happy that I am able to pick it right back up again.

I love taking crazy irrational emotions and putting them into rational perspective and in doing so, creating something beautiful. I guess it's a matter of my need of mental organization and seeing a finished tangible product in front of my face. Right now, I'm half way though sorting out a tricky relationship (a boy-girl one) and shedding a different light on it than what I may have liked to believe before.

I have been neglecting this blog way more than I intend too. My mind has been filled with thoughts, but my body has been busy. I supposed writing isn't the most ideal way of spending one's reading week, but here I am.

Reading Week

Hey! I know I've been meaning to make an entry for a few weeks now, but I've been busy with this college business. Speaking of which, college is going amazing. My classes are interesting/pretty easy and the people are so nice. I've already made some friends. I got accepted into my full time program for September. I was so happy I cried. Yay excitement!

I originally intended to make a New Years resolution blog, but the time has long passed. To sum up what was going to be said, this year, I'm not going to drink (even though I'm turning of age in April), limit my caffeine intake, try to eat healthily, spend time with my friends, make new friends, and overall, not do anything stupid.

I totally have a 12 day reading week starting the 19th. f you want/can hang out, please let me know and we can do something. These are my goals:

- Get my 7th piercing

- Get my hair cut

- Redecorate my room

- Keep my room clean

- Watch season 1 & 2 of Skins

- Watch the final 2 episodes of taped Survivor

- Not spend a lot of money

- Play lots of Wii & computer games

- Hang out with my friends x645495945

- Make new friends (if possible)

- Clear my head and decide who/what really matters

- Not waste time/be lazy

- See family

This entry lacks what I want this blog to be like. Whatever. This is what it is.

Ps. I feel bad for not replying to past comments. I do read them and appreciate them!

2008 in Review

2008 started out, well, pretty depressing. It might have been the new years eve I spent home alone, although I’m not sure. I don’t really recalling anything particular. The winter dragged on, and I froze my butt off at a Cobra Starship show where I met lots of cool people.

Valentine's Day rolled around and I ended up having lunch with my two closest girl friends at the time. I don’t remember the rest of February, March, or very much of my uneventful and dim year. April was eighteenth birthday; it was the day of the Toronto AP Tour. I got to see two of my favourite bands, meet one of them, and add another band to my favourites list.

I went to Puerto Vallarta in the beginning of May. That was pretty nice. The hotel was really pretty and extravagant. I wasn’t too fond of the beach, though, or the city life. Honda Civic Tour ’08 soon followed, which was pretty boring. I dropped out of school at the end of the month. I got myself into some mucky stuff, but hey, I survived.

In July, I went to England for almost the whole month. I met new friends, fell in love with a boy, learnt a lot, and felt amazing. I miss those times so much; they were the best times of my life.

Then, tragedy hit in August. When I came home from England, my Mom told me she had a tumour in her abdomen. I was devastated, and I prayed it wasn’t cancer. I was almost positive it wasn’t cancer. But, in September, I found out it was my worst nightmare. I spent some scary times in the hospital with my Mom, emotional times at home with my sister, and once again dropped out of school (I had only been there for about a week).

The epic thirty or so people in attendance to the Toronto Valencia Tour show was also in September. That is when I met Sing it Loud (my favourite boys ever) and hung out with an…interesting band called Cash Cash. Valencia were awesome, too, of course. The Rocket Summer show was at the end of the month, and that was a lot of fun.

In the beginning of October, Heather took me to see Sing it Loud (Sassyback Tour) in Buffalo. I had a blast; it was so insane. I met so many people and had such a good time. I love you Heather! It started turning cold in October, so I couldn’t have been too happy, in general. November was concert month. Jack’s Mannequin at the beginning, which was so amazing, and then the epic three tours in four days.

November ended, along with my Mom’s treatments, so she moved back home. December was the whole typical family members’ birthdays and the Christmas thing. New years day I went out with some lovelies for waffles and then to see Twilight. That night I spent time with family and packing like a mad women.

Overall, 2008 was filled with new friends, who I love very much and I don’t know what I’d do without them (you know who you are. Yes, you). New psychotropic medications have been interesting, and my volunteer work has been amazing and eye-opening. 2008 was fifteen of concerts, endless laughs, and good times. I’ve been through new experiences and screwed up, but somehow I made my life still work.

Longwood, FL

It’s been a while since I’ve updated this. I’ve had many thoughts that I’ll try to recall in blogs to come that I hope haven’t been lost in the stress of packing, the new year, and flying.

Right now I am sitting poolside in Longwood, Florida (just north of Orlando). The weather is comfortable with a slight breeze.

I am staying with my ‘Aunt’ and ‘Uncle’, who are actually old friends of my Dad and, to an extent, my Mom. The house here is perfect. I have my own bedroom and washroom until my Mom arrives in about a week. The backyard is partially screened in and this is where I am sitting right now, by the pool and hot tub, outdoor kitchen and eating area. Beyond the screen is a garden of flowers and shrubs. Further back, there is a miniature forest with tangerine and grapefruit trees, along with a four-car garage and small shed.

            There are three pets here: two cats and a turtle, named HHHerbie. The black and white cat’s name is Jasmine (Jazzy), and all she does is sit in my Uncle’s office on the same chair all day. She’s only friendly to a certain extent. The orange tabby’s name is Austin. He’s shy and timid at first, so he hid for the first while I was here. He’s quite fond of me now, though. Last night I pet him as he rolled around the room, and he recently came to visit me for a short bit out here.

            My Uncle took me shopping yesterday where I got a Versa Emerge shirt for $4.30. It was on sale and then on clearance. I headed to the music store and got Sing it Loud’s CD, both Valencia CDs, and the Boys like Girls DVD all for just over $50. I also gave in and bought the first Twilight book (I saw the movie on Wednesday with a few of my lovely girl friends).

            This is just a general update. More thoughts and feelings are to come. They may be a bit out of order and not chronologically correct.

            I hope everybody back up north is handling the cold and snow as best they can. It’s best to contact me through FaceBook, as the messages go directly to my phone and I just login online to respond. I hope everyone had a good holiday season and a happy new year. I’m excited to see what 2009 has in store for me. 2008 was definitely an eventful year, in both good and bad ways.